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The Best Alternatives to Toilet Paper

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The Best Alternatives to Toilet Paper

Not everyone is blessed with an Italian styled bidet, and if you grew up only knowing how to wipe your ass “clean” with toilet paper like 99% of the world, you may need a few tips on how to make the changeover.

In a previous article, I wrote about why we need to give up toilet paper as a human race, and in this article, I will delve into three products I think will help us make the transition into a post-toilet paper world.

Without further a-doo let’s take a look at the best of the best:

HAPPYPO

I came across the happypo (German for 'happy butt') last year when I was mischievously poking around a friends toilet and found this colourful apparatus next to the toilet. As soon as I tried it, it just as quickly became one of my favourite paperless wiping methods. To operate it, you unscrew the plastic base from its nozzle, fill it with water, screw the top back on, aim and spray. You control how much pressure you spray with and with just a few squirts, you are squeaky clean. The best part is, it’s portable, so no matter where you are headed, whatever the toilet situation is, the happypo will always be there for your butt making it happier than ever.

The Standard Bum Gun

The standard bum gun requires the most assembly and it doesn’t fit every single restroom. For instance, if you have a toilet that is in the wall or you don’t have at least a sink nearby your toilet, you are a bit shit out of luck. But if you can get over the self-assembly learning curve, you will have a bum gun ready to flow water whenever you need it. Plus, it is quite discreet and a nice accessory to dress up a bathroom with and you can even use it to wash vegetables if your kitchen sink is broken. If I’m in town, I can install it for you ;)

TUSHY Classic Bidet

The tushy bidet is another one that requires a bit of installation and thus will not work in every toilet, but for those that can make it work, it will thrill all guests by giving them the Japanese toilet experience they deserve with little money and effort. There are many different varieties to suit your needs, so check out the site to find the most appropriate one for you.


All of these options are vetted to truly increase your life quality. Once you start using water-based products to clean down there, you will find it tough to go back to the toilet paper standard that still somehow rules the world. It takes a little bit of courage and flexibility to break old habits, but I promise that this change is one that you will bring with you benefits for the rest of your life and better yet, your bum will be dancing 💃.